When the movie Shame was released in limited theaters in December 2011, fans of actor Michael Fassbender remarked that in the opening scene of the movie, where he gave a knowing glance to a woman on the New York subway, was a moment of eye sex. However it was not just this role that made Fassbender fans aroused. In a short dancing clip from his earlier role in a British TV movie called Wedding Belles he also had a similar effect. Shame only made his seductive charm unbelievably obvious. When you see the arousing response of the woman in the subway after exchanging eye sex with Fassbender’s character, don’t for a minute think it is just good acting. Off screen Fassbender is capable of the same feet. Some have posted on Just Jared that he is female Viagra.
When I discovered Michael Fassbender as an entertainment journalist I wondered how he had such a potent effect even on me. Since 2000 my celebrity crush was Hugh Jackman but in all those years there was no libido effect. Fassbender turned me into the woman on the subway train. There was even a discussion thread on his IMDB page about his very amorous fans that appeared to be in much higher numbers than other more popular and equally attractive actors. As I followed Fassbender’s career from Fish Tank to A Dangerous Method, ramblings on various fan sites for the actor rivaled the erotica written by Anaïs Nin. So I began to entertain a curious notion. Are some people the living breathing embodiment of an aphrodisiac? For me, I began to joke about Michael Fassbender being some secret Tantric sex priest because of the sheer comfort he possesses, or at least seems to, in his own skin. This question in my mind led me to certified sexologist Annette Gates.
Gates is a sex and relationship coach who is an expert in sexuality. Based in New York City, Gates has a thriving practice on both sides of the country. She began her practice in San Francisco before relocating to the East Coast and her expertise answered many questions I had about why even unconventionally attractive people are magnets of sexual response in others. What Gates shared with me was enlightening as well as inspirational because this sex power is available to anyone. She told me that people who want to have it must become sex positive and learn techniques to integrate their sexuality into their being. Gates observes that people who are comfortable in their own skin and seek themselves as a source of approval are often the ones who have sexual charisma with most of the population. Even heterosexual men have reported man crushes on Fassbender but never Glee’s Matthew Morrison. Morrison has been reported as saying he was a virgin until he was 20 and spent some time in a very Christian social set. Fassbender looks like he had an aphrodisiac effect on females since puberty even though he was raised in Irish Catholic country.
Those with integrated sexuality are different from people who seek out others for sexual encounters because of a sense of personal incompletion. Men who in real life are like what Fassbender seems to represent, in Gates opinion, tend to be more grounded with a sense of community. They are those who experience lifelong friendships and are connected to their family which reinforced their own sense of wholeness. This comfortable feeling leads them to be okay with rejection and experience their sexuality independent of the partner. Bluntly put, these men do not need to get action to feel like an attractive and sexy person. In America, the puritanical streak that runs rampant in the culture tends to foster adolescent behavior in adult males. This is possibly the reason why men well into their 30s and 40s still act like horny frat boys.
When I asked Gates why the European men seem to feel more grounded and integrated in their sexuality versus American men, her answer was that perhaps the European men allow their sexual energy to flow freely. These are men who give themselves permission to express it and grew up in cultures that are more accepting of it. Gates commented that American society may be one where only one form of sexual expression is allowed. This is the performance-based sexuality in a sex negative culture. Gates considers sexual energy a very powerful force. In attraction and arousal there are signals of masculinity and femininity a person sends out. It’s primal and others automatically respond in kind.
The boyish images from Hollywood about what is sexy, Gates wonders, could be deliberately given to us because it is a nonthreatening sexuality. I often tell people that if you compare Sir Sean Connery when he was ages 16 to 19 to Justin Bieber it looks like night and day. There is nothing boyish about the teenage Connery but Bieber looks like a girl. Gates described this difference as the embodiment in the self that is not cut off from their sexuality as demonstrated by Connery.
So what is Gates’ advice for those who are struggling to integrate their sexual selves? She’s adamant that it is important to seek healers wisely. One must be careful not to be re-traumatized because spirituality isn’t enough. There are healers who may be in the profession out of their own unhealed wounds. This is another consequence of a sex negative society where arousal is not handled in any other way other than to shame. Gates looks at Marilyn Monroe and Marlon Brando as examples of people who inspired the public to open up and blossomed into their sexuality. These people radiated erotic energy and it flowed freely from them and anyone who saw it or were in their presence. People could help but respond. Prudish men and women have the opposite effect. So, it is not unusual for somebody who models their sexuality after people like Monroe and Brando to suddenly attract a different type of person.
Gates also believes that sexual repression may lead to perversion in some cases. She emphasizes that it’s important to move with the sexual flow and use that genuine energy so that it isn’t overt. For her, the understated sexuality is bold and much more powerful versus the styled, posed or forced. I definitely agreed with Gates because when I look at someone like Monica Bellucci versus Pamela Anderson and Megan Fox, Bellucci looks much more natural and is not in need of much styling to snare sexual interest. Consider Paul Newman and Clint Eastwood who were rough and tumble but still far more sexier than overly coiffed Matthew Morrison and Justin Timberlake.
Other major influences to why masculine images seem more effeminate in the last few decades are the advent of the pill. Oral contraception radically altered human sexual relations. Some researchers suggest that the altered hormones in women who take the pill lead them to be attracted to less masculine men. Then there is the 60’s and its free love movement combined with the American obsession with youth among the baby boomers. The sexual revolution in North America was an environment that only allowed one form of non-clinical erotic expression: the Penthouse of Bob Guccione and Playboy of Hugh Hefner. This was sexual aggression versus erotic expression. It made sexuality a raw, non-integrated and an exploitative experience. The goal of integration is to move sexual energy throughout the body versus splitting it into a Madonna-Whore complex for a person and society.
What I like about Gates is that she is a trained certified professional in sexology. Unlike many of the Tantra teachers who become certified through unaccredited organizations, Gates studied and put into practice her clinical and psychodynamic understanding of sexual energy. With her background in human resources and personal coaching the combination of her occupation and vocation combined to give her a unique authority on healthy sexuality for all people. So the next time you wonder how the likes of Michael Fassbender can get you going with just a glance, realize that it all comes down to being whole, integrated and embracing one’s sexuality. Then remember that its inability you can have too.